Paul

I promised to tell the reason what made me start blogging and what made me quit it as well and involves that person who has been part of almost half of my existence.



My introduction post suggests that I am not straight. And yes, I'm not. To be honest, it is still hard for me to admit it despite having a bf for 4 years already but that's another topic.



Let's just call him Paul and he is my best friend for 14 years. I've met him from high school where we became the best of friends. Too bad that we had to study in different universities but we kept our communication together with our other barkadas. During college, I remember him telling me stories on his first kiss, his first "gf", his first sex, his countless sex after the first and his first heartbreak. I've never had an idea that Paul is also not straight just like me. I remember having a "doubt" on him from one of our trips when he purposedly rub his legs against mine and when he slept on my shoulder when we were on the bus. But I dismissed those doubts on the account of his "gf" stories.



Flashback December 2009....



It has been more than a year since I was away from working abroad (Oh yes, I'm an OFW. I should have described myself more on that first post!) and I've organized an out-of-town trip with my 4 friends including Paul.



We have booked a room with three double beds. We are a group of 3 boys (me, Paul and Andy) and two girls (Stacy and Trisha). Stacy and Trisha shared the same bed while me, Paul and Andy decided to conjoin the two beds together so that it would be fair to for the three of us. Andy took the right side of the conjoined beds while I took the left side leaving Paul the middle part. The first night, nothing happened although I noticed Paul sleeping on my side of the bed rather than Andy's sharing with me the blanket. On the second night, Paul became touchy once again to me. He would put his hands on my chest and his legs on mine. Sometimes I would see him looking at me while I was pretending to be asleep. The day after that I felt like we grew even more closer to each other. We were inseparable during the trip. Its like we completely forgotten about our Andy, Stacy and Trisha during our tour. But on my mind, I still didn't put much malice on what has happened the night before. Things became more intense on the third night. Since we were all tired from the tour, I was able to sleep immediately the moment I lay my back on the bed. Around 4am, the unexpected (or expected) occured. Paul embraced me and I gave in. I took his arm to make him embrace me even tighter. We held hands until after that when he started to became aggresive and put his hands inside my brief. We didn't sleep from then on until our wake-up call.

After our one-hour plane ride to Manila, we all boarded Andy's car parked in the airport's carpark. I was surprised that Paul asked Trisha to seat beside Andy. While me, Stacy and Paul took the back seat. Paul sat in between me and Stacey. He slept again on my shoulder, this time while holding my thigh. I was happy, confused and indifferent at the same time. A weird mix of feelings. We all went home after that. Dead-tired, I immediately went to bed when I've felt my fone vibrated. It was a message from Paul which says:

"Home. Sorry Alex sa mga nangyari kanina ah, baka nabigla ka, nabigla din ako. And sorry din di ko nagawang open kahit madaming chance to talk about it. I'll explain kapag may chance promise. Sleep na. Sorry ulet"

After a series of text message, we agreed to meet up to talk about what happened.

We agreed to meet on a coffee shop on a mall. It is December 23 and the mall is filled with people because of the Christmas rush. And then there he is. A confession that pretty explained what happened to that out-of-town trip. Paul is gay.

"Are you in a relationship?" I've asked.

"It's complicated"

"Paul, I have a confession too!"

I didn't have the intention to make a confession at all but I felt that for the past 14 years, Paul and I hardly knew each other at all. In fact, I've never discussed my sexual orientation with any person at all. Even with my bf and my flings in between. A huge part of me doesn't want to acknowledge and admit it. Until now.

"I'm confused."

Ang I shared to him my past relationships. He only knew about my straight relationship but he never knew about my current bf.

"I have a bf but it's complicated. We agreed not to have a commitment before I left abroad."

We talked about everything. The details of our recent trip, our personal struggles, our plans. And then there he was admitting his secret feeling for me which has been going on for years.

"Paul, I thought of this beforehand, but our friendship is more important to me"

The moment I said those words I saw Paul became teary-eyed. And then right then, I've changed my decision.

"Ok let's give this a try!"

Our first date happened on the same day. We went for dinner and we went to the cinema to catch Avatar. We held hands while watching. I was very happy. By the way, Avatar currently is the top-grossing film of all time making that date even more hard to forget.

A lot happened during the day but I remember myself going home smiling.